... strangely, slowly, securely and super fast one year has passed...
one year from that Saturday morning...
It felt strange when i woke up, i had slept in your room as i did not feel too well in the evening... there was a bit of tugging... and then searing pain for 12 hours...
then the drugs.... the squalid hospital rooms, then the doctors, the anaesthetist (amazing person).... then the fear, the loneliness the feeling of someone rummaging through my tummy.... and then you were on my shoulder, looking at me, not sure were you were or if you were at all...
.... Amazing Amy resting on my shoulder....
I almost don't remember what you looked like;
I remember crying... i remember thinking over and over "you are here, you are ok, you are not dead.... you are Amy" and i remember i kept on counting your fingers.... there were 10 of them....
I remember Richard.... he put you in the mini pyjama that was still far to big for you; you looked like this:
we made the calls, parents cried, relatives cheered...and you still were in my arms.... i kept on checking if you were breathing... you looked so awake, i felt so strange ....
Then the strange hospital days, the crazy midwives from Eastern Europe that moved you around like if you were made of rubber when it was so clear to me you were made of the finest porcelain and you could break every time we touched you.... your dad on an extremely uncomfortable chair... both of us looking at you... bemused, confused, confounded, amazed.... we had a baby... we had you...
We came home, it felt like you always had been with us...
The next 4 months were the months of fear, when i felt inadequate, lost, but mostly i was so scared of failing you .... would i break you? ruin you? give you some terrible disease??? How on earth could i be a good mother when i wasn't even able to produce milk for you??? They were the months of crying, for both of us, you very vocally, me not so much vocal, but emotionally wounded....
I was so sure i was screwing up, massively... nobody and nothing seemed to help ... I am not ashamed to say that at times i wondered if i had made the right choice, i questioned my ability to be a mum....
The months rolled by, we had an Olympic baby in July:
We had a baby Johnson's Model in August:
A flying baby in September:
And we went to visit Gran parents in October...
So November came, and my goodness how you had changed from a bundle of porcelain that could not even see to a crazy active little piglet, rolling around on the floor, laughing and desperately trying to find your own way...
But still it was very hard to understand who i had become, who you made me; the fear was still ripe and i have to say i relished the time i would go back to work and leave you with your daddy for the day.....
I went back to work on the 19th of November, almost 8 months ago... the time flew by...
I started to miss you, every day a little more;
I started to look at the watch wondering how long before i could come home and see you
I started running through the crowds to get the earlier train to make sure i could grab you for those 60 minutes before your bed time.....
I started to enjoy every single second we had together, and how could i not? Finally you started to interact with the world around you, and every little thing, every little achievement made me sooooo happy...
The first day i came back on time from work to give you a bath and put you to bed you looked at me like no one else has ever looked at me, a look of so pure joy, just radiant, no second intentions, nothing expected.... pure unadulterated love ...
So may more pictures roll through my mind
(yes one day i will have to answer for all of the pictures i took of you in funny poses....
but they all scream the same THANK YOU AMY - you are the best "thing" I have ever done, you make me happy as nothing else can, the greatest adventure i ever started.....
I just hope i can be a good mum for you, the mum you deserve.
You are wonderful, you are my AA ... Amazing Amy
Here is to another year of madness, walkies, food thrown on the walls, babies rolling down the stairs.....
CIAO PATATA
LA TUA MAMMA
